Don't Kid Yourself or Five Ways to Know You Don't Get Rock n' Roll

Do you ever wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night afraid you don't understand Lou Reed? Do you sometimes get the shakes because you can't tell a Lennon song from a McCartney song? Do you like REO Speedwagon? If you said yes to the last two questions (it's actually OK if you don't get Metal Machine Music) then there's a good chance you don't understand Rock n' Roll. To know for sure, here are five things that will tell you for sure if you are meant to feast on lamb in Valhalla or gorge yourself on the buffet at Shoney's.

1) You Actually Think "the Beatles or the Stones" Is a Legitimate Question

A lot of people think that your answer to this question defines what kind of person you are. This, of course, is absolutely ludicrous. As much as people like to pretend these two bands have a lot in common the fact is they actually have very little. The real thing the bands have in common is that they were both more or less responsible for the so called "British Invasion." Regardless of your answer to this question you are really only revealing that you understand very little about either band. Having said all that, there is a right answer to this question. Your ability to answer it correctly proves nothing. It will merely determine whether or not you and I will ever be able to carry on a stimulating conversation together.

2) When You Sing Along With "Don't Stop Believin'" You Aren't Being Ironic

Listen, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but if you actually like Journey, you probably shouldn't go out in public. While I'm pretty much over the strange phenomena of the "Don't Stop Believin'" bar sing-a-long, if you weren't kidding when you belted out the line "hold on to the feeling" it's time to stop drinking, permanently. Also, you should know your friends have been laughing at you behind your back. This is why everyone suddenly goes quiet whenever you enter a room. Yeah, you're that guy. No one really likes you, just like no one really believed Steve Perry was a legitimate front man.

3) You Don't Like Led Zeppelin's Third Album

This only applies to you if you like Led Zeppelin. It's actually Ok if you don't like Led Zeppelin. Understanding Rock n' Roll is not actually determined by whether or not you think John Bonham is a god. However, if you think "Stairway to Heaven" is the greatest song since "Freebird," but think "Since I've Been Loving You" is boring then you not only don't get Rock n' Roll, but you also don't get Led Zeppelin. There's also a good chance you don't get Lynyrd Skynyrd, especially if you hate Neil Young because of the song "Southern Man." For further information on this last part see the Drive-by Truckers album Southern Rock Opera.

4) You Can't Stand Neil Young, Bob Dylan, Tom Waits, Lou Reed Because of Their Voices

Seriously if you actually think that Rock n' Roll is about vocal prowess it's no wonder you like Journey.

5) Iggy Pop

If you need more of an explanation than this or the accompanying picture there is simply no hope for you, sorry.

So there you have a simple way to quickly determine if you truly get Rock n' Roll. There are many other ways to tell, but these are five definitive questions to ask yourself the next time you can't decide between Styx or Fugazi at the record store.