Building an Archive

Being the musically obsessed individual that I am, I own a lot of CDs. Not only that, but I am constantly buying new CDs to add to this collection. For as long as I can remember I've had this absurd desire to build a massive personal music library, which, in all reality, will never be finished. That still will not stop me from attempting to own every Radiohead b-side to the entire catalog of famed french singer/songwriter and notorious lady's man, Serge Gainsbourg. The latter of which is actually already in my collection, no shit.

Recently, for my birthday, I received a 500G external hard drive. For me this is the equivalent of early man touching the black monolith in 2001: A Space Odyssey. My entire world has been turned upside down. Up is down, left is right, black is white, and Jesus is Philip Seymour Hoffman. I don't even know where I stand anymore. All I know is now I am in the process of putting every single CD in my collection on to the monolith. Now, I own somewhere between 500 and 600 CDs.

This is going to take a while.

Chart Watch: Beck

Title: Odelay (1996)
Label: DGC/Bong Load
Genre: Folk rock/Pop/Rap

Pro-Social Content: Fragmented ideas could be interpreted as positive, but this entire project reflects a disjointed stream of consciousness.

Objectionable Content: General themes are hard to make out, but isolated lines prove problematic. Vague contexts notwithstanding, the word suicide appears on “Hotwax,” “High 5,” and “Novacane.” The artist alludes to bisexuality on “Where It’s At.” “Devil’s Haircut” refers to “discount orgies” amid expressions of hopelessness. Several profanities find their way onto “High 5.”

Summary/Advisory: Feedback. Distortion. An effects-laden background track including what sounds like a dentist’s drill. That’s the “music.” Lyrically, one man’s nonsense is another man’s offbeat street poetry. And while Beck Hansen has toned down the offensive material of his last effort, Odelay falis to clear the hurdle of acceptability.

First of all I know for a fact that Beck himself takes a considerable amount of offense whenever people refer to his lyrics as “stream of consciousness,” but never mind that. It’s always easy to write off something you don’t understand as “nonsense,” but how are you going to call Odelay nonsense and then complain about the message it might be sending? If you truly believe it to be nonsense then doesn’t that by definition mean there can be no discernible message?

Also beware repetitive use of any word in the English language. Watch out kids! If you hear the word “suicide” three times within a 45 minute span, you’ll be unwillingly compelled to take your own life. You’re young, stupid and incapable of making decisions for yourself. Besides, everyone older than you knows three is the magic number… for mind control!

The Best Music You've Never Heard

johnnytwentythree

From: Cincinnati, Ohio
Sound: Imagine Godspeed You! Black Emperor with the live ferocity of Fugazi
Album: JXXIII
Investigate: www.johnnytwentythree.com, Myspace



Sleeptalker

From: Nashville, Tennessee
Sound: Dark and moody alt-rock reminiscent of a simpler Bends-era Radiohead
Album: Simplifysimplify
Investigate: www.sleeptalker.net, Myspace



Snowglobe

From: Memphis, Tennessee
Sound: Brian Wilson and Flaming Lips experimental pop without surfboards or robots
Album: Oxcytocin
Investigate: Makeshift Music, Myspace



Roh Delikat

From: Boston, Massachusetts
Sound: Think stripped-down Blonde Redhead meets a more serious Giant Drag
Album: Sunny
Investigate: Sadly they've broken up, Myspace



The Early Evening

From: Nashville, Tennessee
Sound: Neil Young's down to earth songwriting with Paul McCartney's sense of melody
Album: Same Amazing Person
Investigate: www.theearlyevening.com, Myspace



Motion Decay

From: Nashville, Tennessee
Sound: Mix the thunder of Black Sabbath with the instrumental precision of Pelican
Album: NA
Investigate: Myspace



Aaron Robinson

From: Nashville, Tennessee
Sound: Ryan Adams without the bullshit meets the Counting Crows and Mark Kozelek
Album: We Are Racing Ghosts
Investigate: www.aaronrobinsonmusic.com, Myspace



The Slow and Steady Winner

From: (surprise!) Nashville, Tennessee
Sound: A mellower, more organic Explosions in the Sky
Album: Narrative Euphony in Nine Parts
Investigate: Myspace

Now go listen to some music and maybe get your ass to a show or two.

Don't Kid Yourself or Five Ways to Know You Don't Get Rock n' Roll

Do you ever wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night afraid you don't understand Lou Reed? Do you sometimes get the shakes because you can't tell a Lennon song from a McCartney song? Do you like REO Speedwagon? If you said yes to the last two questions (it's actually OK if you don't get Metal Machine Music) then there's a good chance you don't understand Rock n' Roll. To know for sure, here are five things that will tell you for sure if you are meant to feast on lamb in Valhalla or gorge yourself on the buffet at Shoney's.

1) You Actually Think "the Beatles or the Stones" Is a Legitimate Question

A lot of people think that your answer to this question defines what kind of person you are. This, of course, is absolutely ludicrous. As much as people like to pretend these two bands have a lot in common the fact is they actually have very little. The real thing the bands have in common is that they were both more or less responsible for the so called "British Invasion." Regardless of your answer to this question you are really only revealing that you understand very little about either band. Having said all that, there is a right answer to this question. Your ability to answer it correctly proves nothing. It will merely determine whether or not you and I will ever be able to carry on a stimulating conversation together.

2) When You Sing Along With "Don't Stop Believin'" You Aren't Being Ironic

Listen, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but if you actually like Journey, you probably shouldn't go out in public. While I'm pretty much over the strange phenomena of the "Don't Stop Believin'" bar sing-a-long, if you weren't kidding when you belted out the line "hold on to the feeling" it's time to stop drinking, permanently. Also, you should know your friends have been laughing at you behind your back. This is why everyone suddenly goes quiet whenever you enter a room. Yeah, you're that guy. No one really likes you, just like no one really believed Steve Perry was a legitimate front man.

3) You Don't Like Led Zeppelin's Third Album

This only applies to you if you like Led Zeppelin. It's actually Ok if you don't like Led Zeppelin. Understanding Rock n' Roll is not actually determined by whether or not you think John Bonham is a god. However, if you think "Stairway to Heaven" is the greatest song since "Freebird," but think "Since I've Been Loving You" is boring then you not only don't get Rock n' Roll, but you also don't get Led Zeppelin. There's also a good chance you don't get Lynyrd Skynyrd, especially if you hate Neil Young because of the song "Southern Man." For further information on this last part see the Drive-by Truckers album Southern Rock Opera.

4) You Can't Stand Neil Young, Bob Dylan, Tom Waits, Lou Reed Because of Their Voices

Seriously if you actually think that Rock n' Roll is about vocal prowess it's no wonder you like Journey.

5) Iggy Pop

If you need more of an explanation than this or the accompanying picture there is simply no hope for you, sorry.

So there you have a simple way to quickly determine if you truly get Rock n' Roll. There are many other ways to tell, but these are five definitive questions to ask yourself the next time you can't decide between Styx or Fugazi at the record store.

Chart Watch: Crash Test Dummies

Title: God Shuffled His Feet (1994)
Label: Arista
Genre: Rock

Pro-Social Content: None, though several nonsensical songs avoid offensive themes.

Objectionable Content: A wave of sexual double entendres floods "Swimming in Your Ocean." "In the Days of the Caveman" includes Darwinist philosophies ("See in the shape of my body leftover parts from the apes and monkeys"). Tequila and swimsuit magazines are recommended as positive distractions on "I Think I'll Disappear Now." The title track is disturbing in its irreverence for God, His nature, and biblical concepts, while the single "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" shows disrespect for churchgoers. Other songs speak positively of alcohol, medieval potions, and psychic phenomena.

Summary/Advisory: With a Jethro Tull-minus-the-flute style and lyrics often bordering on utter nonsense, Crash Test Dummies has found a niche with an audience tired of the downer music of various alternative bands. This group has a more upbeat tone, though it comes off sounding like the same tune played 12 different ways. These guys don't take themselves too seriously. But herein lies the problem: The band doesn't take it's lyrics seriously either, offering several less-than-wholesome messages. Crash Test Dummies are an accident waiting to happen.


Well there you have it. Beware the band who hums an entire chorus, likes to drink, and reads Tolkien and T.S. Eliot. While I have to agree with him about every Crash Test Dummies song sounding the same (more accurately the whole album sounds like the work of someone who read a how-to book on formulaic songwriting) that's not really unusual for an early 90s band. Both Hootie and the Blowfish and the Gin Blossoms had relative success writing the same song over and over again. In fact, the Spin Doctors are still trying to find a new way to rewrite "Jimmy Olsen's Blues." Also the only world in which Crash Test Dummies sound like Jethro Tull is one where Stephen Hawking has a chance at beating Carl Lewis in the long jump.

Pure Unadulterated Filler

I realize it's been over a week since I last posted anything. Sorry about that. I'll have something soon I promise. For now I'll leave you with some music recommendations. These are the albums I've been listening to as of late.








Go Check that stuff out. The second one is a local Nashville band called the Hot Pipes.

Good stuff.

Losing My Religion or One Man's Narrow-Minded Conservatism Is Another Man's Treasure

If you aren't already one of the five people who actually read this blog then you're probably not reading this blog now either. On the off chance that you are reading it and are not one of those five people, you should know that I work at a used bookstore. This job affords me some obvious perks including ridiculous discounts on everything in the store and the ability to talk about music, movies, and books all day. This is a very frighteningly appropriate job for me, and yes I am most likely selling myself short when I say that.

One less obvious perk that you probably don't know even if you are one of the aforementioned five is the occasional discovery of small goldmines of entertainment found in items that would otherwise be thrown away by any reasonable person. One such item is a book called Chart Watch. The cover of this book modestly claims to offer "more than 100 album reviews," which is all well and good if you stop reading right there. However, it goes on to say, "and practical ways to help families make sound music choices." If that doesn't send up any red flags for you the very next line says in larger bold yellow text, "Forward by Michael W. Smith." The moment I read that I knew I'd hit pay dirt.

Skipping past Smith's introduction we find our author opening his first chapter by telling us that the progression from Elvis to Nine Inch Nails "didn't happen over night." Really? You mean roughly 40 years of music history didn't miraculously pass in the night? You mean I can't travel through time while sleeping in the backseat of my Delorean? Jumpin' Jiggawatts! The author goes on to give us a time line of sorts, taking us from "I Want to Hold Your Hand" to R. Kelly's "Bump and Grind" calling the latter a "sexually descriptive ode to intercourse." That's certainly one way to put it. This time line also makes pit stops on George Michael's "I Want Your Sex," Jethro Tull's "Bungle in the Jungle," and Olivia Newton John's "Physical." I mean come on! The only person who ever had sex because of Olivia Newton John is Olivia Newton John.

Moving on to the next chapter, entitled "The Need for Biblical Discernment," our author tells us about the dangers of Billy Joel in a section called "Limiting Spiritual Casualties in the Civil War of Values." Because we've all heard the story of how so many troubled teens decided to try crystal meth for the first time after they heard the chorus to "Uptown Girl." A few chapters later he describes a scene where he and his family almost walked out of an unnamed pizza restaurant when someone played Nirvana on the jukebox.

Nirvana is not welcome in our home. But what were we to do now that we were being "force-fed" Kurt Cobain and his nihilistic ramblings? My instincts wanted to yell, "Okay, kids, grab the pizza and lets head to the car right now!" I resisted the urge. There had to be a better solution. Indeed there was. I turned the incident into a "teachable moment" by pointing out why the evening's dinner music failed to meet our family standard.

Man, who doesn't want to hang out with this guy? I mean I hate it when people play Creed at Pizza Hut as much as the next guy, but like the next guy I get over it the moment my deep dish Pepperoni Lover's arrives. I've certainly never considered walking out because of someone else's bad taste, but then nothing gets between me and my Pepperoni Lover's, nothing. Oh yeah, he's also complaining about arguably the most relevant band of the last decade.

After four chapters of explanation we finally get to the reviews and they are as off base as one can possibly imagine. Each review contains a brief introduction and is then followed by three sections: Pro-Social Content, Objectionable Content, and Summary/Advisory. Whether he's warning us that purchasing volume one of The Beatles Anthology may lead the unwary consumer to purchase volumes two and three or explaining that Bell Biv Devoe's Hootie Mac is "saturated with profanity and sexual slang" one can't help but enjoy how completely out of touch this guy really is.

SO I tell you all of this to say that from now on I will occasionally be posting selected reviews from Chart Watch on the Farm Team, so keep an eye out for them. To eliminate any confusion between my own opinions and the Chart Watch opinions I'll headline each of these posts with Chart Watch in the title, but seriously if you can't tell the difference between rational opinion and Bible-thumping lunacy, you probably shouldn't be reading my blog. Fortunately, if you do you're probably not one of the five people who actually read this blog in the first place.

Baby You're A Rich Man

Basically until next Tuesday I have somewhere between $30 and $40 on which to live. I'm not complaining, mind you. I'm just stating the facts. Because of this I won't be going out much or really AT ALL until I get paid again. Personally I'm fine with living off of bread, turkey, eggs, and Ramen noodles. Honestly, I would probably do this even if I had money to spend.

However, since I am in said monetary state today I have literally done nothing but play NBA Jam on my Super Nintendo. For at least six or maybe even as many as eight hours I have played as former President, Bill Clinton, in a two-on-two match generally as either the Chicago Bulls or the Charlotte Hornets vs. every team in the NBA circa 1993. I have beaten the game at least once and will probably do it a second time before the night is over. I now have a huge blister on my left thumb as well as tiny blisters under both my thumbnails and one on the inside of my left index finger because of this game.

Really, I don't even like video games all that much, especially sports-related video games, but NBA Jam is easily the most fun game for the SNES system save only Legend of Zelda: Link to the Past. This is really all about childhood nostalgia.

I am absolutely not ashamed to admit any of this. I realize none of this has anything to do with music. I promise to have that real post up in the next two days, seriously.