Losing My Religion or One Man's Narrow-Minded Conservatism Is Another Man's Treasure

If you aren't already one of the five people who actually read this blog then you're probably not reading this blog now either. On the off chance that you are reading it and are not one of those five people, you should know that I work at a used bookstore. This job affords me some obvious perks including ridiculous discounts on everything in the store and the ability to talk about music, movies, and books all day. This is a very frighteningly appropriate job for me, and yes I am most likely selling myself short when I say that.

One less obvious perk that you probably don't know even if you are one of the aforementioned five is the occasional discovery of small goldmines of entertainment found in items that would otherwise be thrown away by any reasonable person. One such item is a book called Chart Watch. The cover of this book modestly claims to offer "more than 100 album reviews," which is all well and good if you stop reading right there. However, it goes on to say, "and practical ways to help families make sound music choices." If that doesn't send up any red flags for you the very next line says in larger bold yellow text, "Forward by Michael W. Smith." The moment I read that I knew I'd hit pay dirt.

Skipping past Smith's introduction we find our author opening his first chapter by telling us that the progression from Elvis to Nine Inch Nails "didn't happen over night." Really? You mean roughly 40 years of music history didn't miraculously pass in the night? You mean I can't travel through time while sleeping in the backseat of my Delorean? Jumpin' Jiggawatts! The author goes on to give us a time line of sorts, taking us from "I Want to Hold Your Hand" to R. Kelly's "Bump and Grind" calling the latter a "sexually descriptive ode to intercourse." That's certainly one way to put it. This time line also makes pit stops on George Michael's "I Want Your Sex," Jethro Tull's "Bungle in the Jungle," and Olivia Newton John's "Physical." I mean come on! The only person who ever had sex because of Olivia Newton John is Olivia Newton John.

Moving on to the next chapter, entitled "The Need for Biblical Discernment," our author tells us about the dangers of Billy Joel in a section called "Limiting Spiritual Casualties in the Civil War of Values." Because we've all heard the story of how so many troubled teens decided to try crystal meth for the first time after they heard the chorus to "Uptown Girl." A few chapters later he describes a scene where he and his family almost walked out of an unnamed pizza restaurant when someone played Nirvana on the jukebox.

Nirvana is not welcome in our home. But what were we to do now that we were being "force-fed" Kurt Cobain and his nihilistic ramblings? My instincts wanted to yell, "Okay, kids, grab the pizza and lets head to the car right now!" I resisted the urge. There had to be a better solution. Indeed there was. I turned the incident into a "teachable moment" by pointing out why the evening's dinner music failed to meet our family standard.

Man, who doesn't want to hang out with this guy? I mean I hate it when people play Creed at Pizza Hut as much as the next guy, but like the next guy I get over it the moment my deep dish Pepperoni Lover's arrives. I've certainly never considered walking out because of someone else's bad taste, but then nothing gets between me and my Pepperoni Lover's, nothing. Oh yeah, he's also complaining about arguably the most relevant band of the last decade.

After four chapters of explanation we finally get to the reviews and they are as off base as one can possibly imagine. Each review contains a brief introduction and is then followed by three sections: Pro-Social Content, Objectionable Content, and Summary/Advisory. Whether he's warning us that purchasing volume one of The Beatles Anthology may lead the unwary consumer to purchase volumes two and three or explaining that Bell Biv Devoe's Hootie Mac is "saturated with profanity and sexual slang" one can't help but enjoy how completely out of touch this guy really is.

SO I tell you all of this to say that from now on I will occasionally be posting selected reviews from Chart Watch on the Farm Team, so keep an eye out for them. To eliminate any confusion between my own opinions and the Chart Watch opinions I'll headline each of these posts with Chart Watch in the title, but seriously if you can't tell the difference between rational opinion and Bible-thumping lunacy, you probably shouldn't be reading my blog. Fortunately, if you do you're probably not one of the five people who actually read this blog in the first place.